When Doubt Creeps In
I barely wrote this past month. Reading was like pulling teeth. I didn’t edit any short stories. I did submit to journals—but was promptly rejected. And under normal circumstances, this would have felt ordinary. After all, sometimes you need to take time away from your art in order for it to get better. Giving yourself the time to rest, relax, and refuel your imagination is all part of a sustainable creative lifestyle. But these past few weeks have felt different. Between the pandemic continuing to loom over us, another major wave of the civil rights movement underway, and the upcoming election, it’s impossible to ignore the trauma, turmoil, and anguish people are currently going through. And it makes creating art feel so insignificant. And as each week has passed my doubts and fears regarding my own insecurities have grown louder.
What the hell am I doing?
Am I good enough? Do I really have any authority or expertise?
How can I do more to support up-and-coming writers and amplify their voices?
Shouldn’t I be creating resources? What kinds of resources do writers need? I should know what resources will help other writers because I’m a writer.
Am I only meant to commentate and curate creative works, rather than write them myself?
Is it time to stop writing?
Does my voice really matter?
If my voice doesn’t need to be heard now, will it ever need to be heard? And if it's irrelevant, doesn’t that mean I’m wasting precious time on a dream that won’t ever come to pass. I’m not a professional writer. This isn’t my day job. I don’t have an editor expecting pages from me. I don’t make a cent off this blog and the amount of query and short story rejections I have to my name continues to grow. It makes me stop and wonder if I’m just pretending with the hope that somehow I will turn into a professional.
This is not the news I wanted to report. I like coming to the Writer’s Block to give you positive vibes, tips for being more productive, and navigating the creative life. I wanted to come here and tell you that after wrestling with all the noise blaring inside my skulls, I silenced my doubts and made peace with my fears and moved forward.
But it’s also important to shine the spotlight on these internal debates. Because when it comes to success, we often only see the end product, hear the story of how they made it, and listen to the challenges that were overcome after the fact. But we rarely hear about them when someone is going through them. We don’t get to hear what’s running through their mind in these moments of severe doubt. We stay silent and wrestle quietly. I know that’s what I prefer to do. Not because I’m ashamed, rather I believe if I’m going to make a decision about what to do next it needs to come from me and me alone. But I refuse to come on here and pretend everything is okay because now, more than ever, we need to be open and real with each other.
